OUR SPHERE OF INFLUENCE: REFLECTIONS FROM MY FIRST SILENT MEDITATION RETREAT

A couple months ago I attended a two day silent meditation retreat. From what I’ve read about silent meditation retreats, I gathered you sat in silence for the duration of the retreat and moved between meditation sessions (which was mostly accurate). I’ve been interested in attending a silent retreat for the past five years but didn’t want to jump into a 10+ day one right away. When I found this weekend retreat, I thought it’d be the perfect starting point.

Retreat Itinerary

The retreat was led by a Buddhist Monk at a retreat center in the mountains in Colorado off a long dirt road with no cell service or nearby neighbors. The setting was peaceful with hiking trails around the property and a beautiful Great Stupa which is a Buddhist shrine / monument used for meditation. There were separate buildings for sleeping, eating, and meditating and typically there is more than one retreat going on at a time.

I was excited when I first booked the retreat but as the day to leave drew closer, I got nervous thinking about sitting with myself and my thoughts in silence for two days. I had no idea where my mind would go and I started to wonder if something from the depths of me would come up when given space and silence. Though I was nervous, I was still very excited to fully disconnect and see what this new experience would yield.

A detailed itinerary was not sent out beforehand (or if it was, I missed it) so I did not know what to expect from a schedule perspective. Meditation retreats that I have previously attended had sessions starting as early as 4am and could go as late as 9pm. When I got there Friday afternoon, I was excited to see that breakfast was at 7:30/8am and the meditations didn’t begin until after. The days were a mix of 3 hour meditation blocks with breaks for meals and periods of free time where you could hike, nap, read, journal, etc. There were no rules against using your phone but I turned my phone off for the weekend so I could stay fully present.

There were about 20 people attending this retreat. It kicked off with an opening session on Friday evening where our guide, Buddhist Monk Loden Nyima, talked through the meditation technique, meditation posture, and how the next two days would be structured. We set our intention for the weekend, meditated and had a chance to ask questions. We then went into silence.

Day One in Silence

The next morning I woke up early, got ready and went for a hike around the property. It felt strange and exciting waking up in silence. I wore my name tag that noted I was in silence and looking at my name tag, strangely, made me feel free. I wasn’t tethered to my phone, I didn’t have to talk to anyone and no one would talk to me, I could fully focus on the present moment and whatever came up. It was similar to a feeling I get when I’m solo hiking with no service. Just me, my thoughts, nature and no expectations for what will happen next.

I hiked up the creek to the Great Stupa and admired what a beautiful monument it was. I sat inside the Great Stupa on a meditation pillow in front of a massive golden statue of the Buddha and felt very small. In a hard to explain way, it felt like I was sitting in front of God on judgement day. I’ve had a bit of a complicated relationship with religion over the last year and a half and as I was sitting in front of the Buddha statue, I was filled with gratitude for all religions, their traditions and rituals, and for them being a guide to embracing something greater than the physical world. I would find myself alone, sitting on the meditation pillow, directly in front of the Buddha many times that weekend.

I hiked down from the Great Stupa and journaled at breakfast (the food was very good!). Then I headed to my first meditation session. I typically do not sit on a meditation pillow in lotus when I meditate so it was an adjustment for my back and my body to get used to sitting in that posture. By the end of the weekend, I was a bit achy. We alternated between 25 minute silent sitting meditations typically done with your eyes open and 10 minute intentional walking meditations. We went through the sitting / walking meditation cycle for 3 hours before we broke for lunch. After lunch we had rest time before our next 3 hour meditation session where I hiked around the property and up to the Great Stupa. After dinner at the end of the first day, Loden gave a talk on the stages of meditation and what we could be experiencing. Some attendees opted to briefly share what they experienced that day but I decided to stay silent.

Throughout the first day I mostly watched my thoughts. A lot of the same thoughts came up and they were centered around interactions with people in my life or I would incorrectly narrate my life. It’s interesting to look at the stories you unconsciously tell yourself. There was a never ending stream of thoughts rolling through my head that seemed so random. I imagine if others heard what was going through my head they’d think I’d gone crazy! I didn’t experience any big emotions the first day but I did realize just how loud my head was with all the silence. I was not expecting that amount of internal noise. After the first day I felt really happy to stay in silence and for another opportunity to go deeper. I also remember feeling excited this was only a little over a two day retreat!

Day Two in Silence

The next morning I woke up and hiked to the Great Stupa. As I was hiking up the creek listening to the birds my thoughts took an abrupt turn to people and relationships lost in the last year. When I got to the Great Stupa, I decided to meditate in front of the Buddha. I worked my way up my energy centers in my meditation and when I got to my heart center tears streamed endlessly down my face. Over the past seven months I have been having irregularities with my heart that doctors have not had answers for. Thirty-six hours into my silence, meditating in front of the statue of the Buddha, my heart felt like it was leaking grief from every artery. I felt love and loss, gratitude and despair. I grieved for things and people that I did not know I was holding grief for. I don’t know if grief is the reason for my heart irregularities but after this experience, I know there is a lot of energy and emotion stored in that center that needs to move. I journaled and headed down to breakfast, weepy and grateful I didn’t have to talk to anyone.

During my meditations that day, as I worked my way up my energy centers, my heart center continuously produced feelings of grief. After lunch, I felt very tired. I brought my meditation pillow and mat outside and laid in the sun. There was a light breeze, the birds were chirping and I fell asleep. I’m not a napper and I cannot remember the last time I took a nap but this nap in the midst of all the silence felt healing. I signed up for a session with Loden in the afternoon of the second day to talk through my experience. When I sat down to talk to Loden after not talking for close to two days, I wept. I think this happens often as there are tissues readily available in every room of the retreat center. It was such a foreign but beautiful experience sharing what was on my heart with a stranger that now felt like a friend who was holding space for me.

I told him about my realizations I had about religion on the first day and about the intense emotions I was feeling in my heart center that day. He had very helpful, sincere words to share and our conversation left me feeling supported and inspired.

At the end of our last 3 hour meditation session, we had closing circle. A retreat can be a powerful experience but re-entry after the retreat is where the true power lies. Taking what you learned and applying it to life outside the retreat bubble is where change occurs. We went around the room and recounted our individual experiences over the past 2 days. Someone noted that their favorite part of the silent retreat was the talking! It was cool to hear about other’s experiences in silence and have it reflect your own in some ways. I commented that though none of us had spoken to one another, I felt love and compassion for each of the retreat attendees. Being in each others energy, meditating side by side, smiling at each other throughout the weekend, holding space for each person to come as they are to get what they need from this retreat, bonded us without the need for words. As I was thinking about this wild phenomenon of feeling like I knew someone I hadn’t met, solely through being in their energy, I thought about our sphere of influence.

Our Sphere of Influence

The official definition of sphere of influence goes something like this: “a field or area in which an individual or organization has power to affect events and developments (source: Oxford Languages).” When I think of our sphere of influence from an energy perspective, I think of how we energetically show up in the world and how that energy effects others.

You may have heard someone say “you could cut the tension in the room with a knife”. I walk away from rooms that feel tense with unease and less energy. On the flip side, I love being in rooms that are upbeat and heart based. I walk away feeling more energized, inspired and joyful. There is also a more neutral energy in between these two that I feel the majority of the time.

As of late, I’ve been thinking about my relationships with others as energy giving or energy dimming. I want my energy to give others energy. If we can have an effect on others without speaking to them, it begs the question, how do I want to show up in my life?

As I work to become more aware of the energy I am giving off, I’ve been imperfectly taking a few moments to come back to my heart to shift my energy to what I want to feel in my future. I love feeling love in my heart and my hope is that we can all walk around this world sending out a little more love. Imagine the butterfly effect it could create.

Two days in silence taught me a lot about presence, slowing down, listening to what’s coming up, and staying aware of how I’m showing up in my life. There are unlimited potentials and opportunities in the present moment and I’m excited to continue to practice slowing down and listening to become aware of and experience all this life has to offer.

Until the next tale… Happy trails.

-Hannah

P.S. Now that summers in full swing, I’m excited to share some amazing hiking adventures in the next post!